I would like to ask anyone who's wife has a child, what do I do??? My wife has a daughter. I like her very much. But if there is anyone who can offer me advice about a 20 year old chinese girl I would greatly appreciate it. this is my first marrige. I would like to make sure that I do not do the wrong thing. I am not sure what is expected of me. So....... if you have any suggestions please let me know, thanks Robert

Hello Robert,
I have a 19 years old stepdaughter who lives with us in China and is a much loved member of my family. I met her mother when her daughter was 15 and she has not been a moment's trouble to us. Having a young person in the family is wonderful and we have great fun together. We have built up the love and trust between us and she enjoys her family life. She often lightheartedly refers to me as Baba G when she is talking to her mum.

What is expected of you? Always treat her with respect. It is slightly different having a stepchild and a natural child. At first you need to be more careful about privacy and avoid embarrassing situations whilst you adjust to and become familiar with each other. Remember that she already has a father, so don't try and muscle in and take over his position, but let her know she is a valued member of your family and that you will always do your best for her.

It is just as difficult for her as it is for you. She will make mistakes, as all young people do, but that this is just part of learning. None of us are perfect. Be wise and guide her.

You are not on your own of course, her mum is still there to deal with the everyday problems.

I hope your stepdaughter brings you the same happiness as mine brings me.

Graham

Hi Graham, Thanks for the advice. If you or your wife have anymore advice please let me know. Thank You, robert

Graham,
Thank you for that. I have become the step father of a young Chinese man (ok 12) but he has been caring and protecting his mother for several years. He is a good young man and I am proud to be a STEP father. I did (try to) explain that I will always encourage him to honour his real father and I will always attenpt to be his current father.

This site is great. Real people giving real advice
xiexie ni

Mick

This is not intended to offend anyone. I personally abhor the term Step-.
Being a sperm donor does not make one a father, it's the caring and all that goes with it that makes a father. I know this is difficult for many to comprehend as it's a term we have grown up with. The true father will always help and care for his son/daughter whether divorced otherwise. My suggestion to you fellows with wives who have children refer to them as YOUR children and not STEP Children. It conjures up the story of Cinderella. end of rant

Hi John and thanks.
You are right and I totally agree with you. I don't like that term either.
Some time ago, Xiao Lei corrected me when I introduced her as my step-daughter: she said "daughter." This pleased me greatly, even more so because it was her choice. So now I always refer to her as my youngest daughter, and that is indeed what she is.

Just remember that the child's world has already been upset when her parents got divorced, and it takes time for them to build up love and trust. To simply say "You're MY daughter now" can lead to resentment especially from older children, so take it gently and slowly and all will be well.

I do exactly as Mick does, I encourage Xiao Lei to keep in touch with her father and his family, but it is her free choice what she does. Actually her father is one of the type who doesn't value female children, so he never took very much interest in her or sat and talked with her. His loss, my gain.

I don't know if you are familiar with the story 'The Gold Wrapping Paper? You can find it by following the link:
http://www.angelicinspirations.com/page244.htm

Read the story and you'll understand this next bit.
Xiao Lei gave me a small box containing many hearts made from folded coloured paper. A very special gift and I keep them in my desk drawer, my very precious little box of love.

Actually her name means flower bud and now she is blossoming in the love and protection of this family and being given opportunities that were not open to her in the past.

Graham

Hi guys, i agree with all you've said i have been a step father for many years and the love i have had from " my daughter " dad is the one that is there for you in times of need and trouble, i have received much love back, but it's like a savings account the more you put in the more you get out. Graham my intended also had a beuatiful girl child and her ex used to beat them both up because she never had a boy!! his loss and certainly MY GAIN. It was her choice to call me BABA tears in the eyes, but very very proud. I am lucky he has never been around, but if he was i would encourage contact, when they get older they make their own minds up whether they like their biological father or not. den@sawted

Graham, thank you. The story is touching, I will be sure to forward to my entire address book.
Too many of us do not voice our feelings and go with the flow. When I read Step-daughter earlier it just grabbed me the wrong way and I had to vent. I'm happy I did and happier that there are those of you who agree.

Half brother and sister is another term that should be throw away with the "step" phrase too. They are not half of anything. Fortunately my older children have always referred to their sister from their mothers new marriage and my daughter from this marriage without the "half" tag. And a mighty good story Graham thank you for posting the link. And a very good vent it was John

Mcrobski, you're right the term Half is as bad as Step. BTW, did anyone ever tell you that you look like Bruce Willis?

No, but i believe he gets told a lot that he looks like me . Yes i have 2 daughters, 1 son and 3 grandsons from my daughters partner's previous relationship and an 8 mth old grand daughter and not a step or a half among them anywhere. Graham met my daughter and I his family when i visited recently, i don't even use the term Chinese daughter, not to deny her heritage but because on the day I married my wife she started calling me daddy (she's nearly 7) without to my knowledge any prompting.

I totally agree with you all about the term Step daughter/son.
My daughter Niu Niu has very little contact with her real father mainly because she is a girl (young lady 21).His fault.
She said to me once when Wu Ming and myself got married and I quote "can I call you Dad" ? I said of course you can and I will call you my daughter which made her giggle.Now she has done us both proud by leaving school now and landing a job as a Graphic Designer in a company in Nanning.For this I bought her a state of the art Lap Top for her work.Wu Ming said "too expensive". I said in good old Chinese "no problem".When she received her surprise she could'nt believe her eyes and ran around the lounge several times,ran up to me and planted a kiss on my cheek.Most unusual for a Chinese person to do that I believe.Her mother said she has never kissed her real father, so it was a privilige for me me to receive that little bit of affection.
So the term Step Daughter is unheard of in my family.I always introduce her as my daughter to anyone I meet.
Dave and Wu Ming

Mcrobski,
With all due respect, a little soap and water would make you look like a million. I haven't decided whether it's RMB or USD, HKD, Japanese Yen or Euros. I almost forgot AU$

Hi Ratr
I know exactly what you felt, we just arrived back from Nanning (monday 1st) and on tuesday when i arrived home from work our son (aged 10) called me Daddy.....
He's met my four from my previous marriage (purely by luck my eldest daughter is home from afghan and about to go to iraq), and (thankfully) they've all hit it off , Owen..(we have decided to give him a name easy to say by the local kids...my wife,at my request, has never had an "western" name ) was suddenlly hit by 3 sisters and 1 brother...they spoilt him and he loved it HA HA

Well i do agree with what has been said,but i still call my step-daughter by her name,Ling,and she has decided to call me uncle,cos i'm old,ha ha ha.shows how much she thinks of me as my wife and i went to her wedding last year and i was the only european among over 300 family and friends,and we was given pride of place at the top table.She was in the hospital on sunday and refused to go to the theatre until she had spoken to us by phone and we are the proud g/parents of a little boy,we might be 6000 miles away but we know what is going on.i am glad that i married a chinese lady as the joy she and her family gives me can not be explained in words,and it is all from the heart.
steve

John, My wife had chosen a western name before i met her, my daughter however didn't have one but her and her mother decided she wanted one and i was given the task of coming up with it. First off we tried Lisa as it sounded (to me) partly like her Chinese name, no luck there, would call her and she wouldn't turn around because she wasn't used to it. A pet name or generic name the family were calling her sounded like Annie so i suggested we try that. It worked from the first time we called her! So Annie she became and she could say it correctly very easily.

Steve, Congratulations Grandpa! I hope mother and son are both well. The thing about being a grandparent I like is when they need changing you can had them back

Thank you young man,like you say one of the perks off being a g/parent is that you hand them back when something needs doing,the rest of the family are rallying round except for her natural father,they had a big bust up on her wedding eve,no i don't know what went on but they haven't spoken since,but we have sent a few bob over to my daughter and i was asked that when i come over there we can open a bank account in the little ones name,i will have to ask Graham a few questions when i'm there.